correct pathways

how do we make decisions from the middle?

1. I think a lot about the ways we move ourselves across space and time, and how we make decisions (in our writing, and in our lives). I think a lot about staying in the middle.

2. Saturday night in Lisbon, Oscar played the accordion in the middle of the tiny restaurant. We ate the baked cheese with rosemary on toast he advised us to order. I liked Oscar immediately. He was warm and friendly, he relaxed everyone he talked to, clapping hands on shoulders, smiling, kneeling down at the tables while he went through the menu. There are so many different keys on an accordion you could choose. He made it look easy, though, his fingers knowledgable about the correct musical pathways.

3. A pink and purple anatomic heart logo repeats itself across the windows of the cafe across from our airbnb. I’m always looking for hearts and light, part of the secret language, signalling correct pathways.

   

   heart

4. Some people might think this is a strange way to do life. If I’m being honest, I sometimes even think this about myself. But this is how I do life:

5. One of my besties Ellen sends me an instagram video of this guy. He’s trying to teach people to feel yeses and nos with their bodies. Feel the yeses and nos and obey them (even the micro yeses and nos, even when they’re illogical to your brain) and then you’ll get the correct pathways. It’s worth watching. No one trains us in this, anymore.

6. No one trains us that we know that we know that we know.

7. Walking back to the airbnb Sunday afternoon, I saw a shop wall painted with the message: “sun is life.” Inside the shop, the owner offered to move things so I could stand in the middle of the floor, get a clear photo of the middle of his sun wall. “It’s our motto,” he said. I felt the yes. He handed me a postcard I could take with me so I don’t forget.

   

   light

8. I wasn’t entirely convinced about coming to Portugal, because I love heat and sun and light. The light in Portugal springtime is cooler and paler than my preference. I still need to wear a sweater when I’d rather be in a tank top on vacation. But the anatomic heart is here on the windows. On the wall: “sun is life.” If I stay in the middle rather than getting swept off to the side with my thoughts and emotions, the correct pathways are still always here. Stay in the yeses.

   

   light

9. In the middle has a lot to do with not thinking too much.

10. I surf through my old substack posts to figure out if I’ve told you, yet, about not thinking. When my mind is awash with words — regrets, replaying conversations, perseverating — I am thinking. Don’t believe everything you think, Joseph Nguyen says in his book. It’s possible to not think, let all the thoughts settle out into the bottom of the fishbowl so the water is clear again. So the canal in the middle is clear again. Decisions are best from the clear water, from the body yeses and nos, toward the correct pathways. Who is teaching us this?

11. All I know is that I’m trying to teach myself this. We know that we know that we know. Stay in the middle, move toward body yeses. We can look for hearts and lights. Correct pathways are always right here.

love from Lisbon,

Kelly